Making your needs known is much harder than you may think. Most people can't really articulate their needs. They know they have them. They know how good it feels when those needs are met and how bad it feels when they're not. But putting our needs into words can be very difficult.
Some people are afraid that asking for what you want will cause conflict.
If your partner is not meeting one of your needs, that is your responsibility. It is also very unfair to criticize your partner for not recognizing and meeting your needs when you don't know them yourself. You must come to know yourself so well that you can teach your partner about yourself. If there are things about you that you have not yet discovered, now is the time to discover them.
Before we start this process of identifying your needs, you should know that it is a substantial risk you're taking. The risk of intimacy. Once you accept the challenge of uncovering and identifying your deepest needs, and subsequently disclosing that information to your partner, you are admittedly putting yourself in a vulnerable position. To permit someone to have intimate knowledge of you means to take your guard down, to share with that person things you may previously have been afraid to acknowledge even to yourself. Intimacy means sharing what you dream about, strive for - and also sharing your weaknesses. It's my hope that you will decide it's a risk worth taking.
If and when you receive information of this gravity from your partner, you too take on a tremendous responsibility. Intimate self-disclosure by your partner means that you are being entrusted with the most fragile part of your partner's soul. You must treat it with reverence, dignity and respect. It means you find a time and a place that will allow you to have this exchange when there are no time limits, no deadlines, and no other demands on your attention. You must treat this information from your partner as if it were the finest china, fragile and brittle.
And then, you must never, ever permit yourself to use any of this intimate self-disclosure in a confrontation. It is not leverage, it is not a weapon of manipulation or one-upmanship. It is not to be joked about, made light of, or satirized. Receiving this information is a tremendous responsibility, and you risk doing huge damage if you mismanage it. Make no mistake: sharing this information is a risk; receiving it is a burden.
BE WORTHY OF THE TRUST!
BUILDING YOUR PERSONAL PROFILE
You have to do some self-discovery with an open spirit. It is okay to have needs in general and to have your specific needs in particular. You do not have to explain the why behind your needs. Keep in mind that you cannot share with or teach your partner what you don't know yourself. Get real with yourself to give the formula for relationship success a chance. Be very specific about your own needs.
To give structure to your self-discovery, let's identify and define five categories of needs: Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, Social and Security. Feel free to add further needs that make sense to you.
Your partner cannot make you feel the way you feel, but your partner can help you achieve your desired feelings by becoming aware of what they are and sensitive to the fact that they are important to you.
Emotional Needs
1. The need to feel, and be
told, that you are loved
2. The need to feel, and be
told, that you are a valued, vital part of your partner's life
3. The need to feel a sense
of belonging to and with your partner
4. The need to feel respected
as an individual
5. The need to feel needed
for other than the tasks you perform (providing money, cooking, etc....)
6. The need to feel that you
are a priority in your partner's life
7. The need to feel special,
above everyone else in your partner's life
8. The need to feel that your
partner is proud to call you his or her own
9. The need to feel that you
are trusted as a responsible partner
10. The need to feel that your partner
would choose you again
11. The need to feel that you have
and can be forgiven for transgressions and flaws
12. The need to feel accepted, flaws,
fallacies, and all
13. The need to feel that you and
your partner are, above all else, close and trusted friends
14. The need to feel desired
15. The need to feel appreciated
for who and what you are and do
16. The need to feel passion between
you and your relationship partner
Physical Needs
1. The need to be touched
and caressed
2. The need to be kissed,
even if casually
3. The need to be hugged or
held
4. The need to feel that you
are welcome in your partner's personal space
5. The need to be physically
welcomed when encountering your partner
6. The need to feel that you
are part of a couple when interacting with the world
7. The need to feel encouraged
and welcomed by non-verbal communications
8. The need for tenderness
9. The need for a satisfying
and rewarding sexual life
Spiritual Needs
1. The need to feel that your
personal spiritual values are supported without judgment
2. The need to feel that your
partner respects your spiritual needs
3. The need to share a spiritual
life, even if that spiritual life is experienced differently by you and
your
partner
4. The need to know and feel
that your individual beliefs and differences are respected, if not shared
Social Needs
1. The need to be remembered
with calls and acknowledgements when apart
2. The need to feel that your
partner will plan and structure his or her activities to include you
3. The need to feel that social
activities are shared rather than experienced individually
4. The need for appropriate
tenderness and support when in public
5. The need to be encouraged
and supported physically and emotionally when in public
6. The need to hear sweet
things in a social environment
7. The need to be encouraged
and supported in social situations
8. The need to be treated
with politeness and regard in social situations
9. The need to share fun and
joy in social situations
10. The need to share a connection
expressed through awareness and sensitivity from your partner
11. The need to share joy and laughter
12. The need to feel that you are
the most important person in your partner's life and awareness when in
a
crowded,
busy social environment.
Security Needs
1. The need to know that your
partner will stand by you in times of distress or conflict
2. The need to feel that your
partner will rally to your aid if needed
3. The need to feel input
and control with regard to the emotional aspects of the relationship
4. The need to be supported
by your partner
5. The need to know that your
partner is loyal and committed
6. The need to know that your
relationship will not be put at risk and hang in the balance because of
any
disagreements
and confrontations
7. The need to know that your
partner is committed permanently
8. The need to know that your
partner is there for you in times of third-party conflicts and problems
9. The need to know that your
partner is your soft place to fall
The items listed under each category are offered to stimulate your thinking and are very general. It is a starting place to help you get in touch with yourself and your heartfelt needs a specifically and thoroughly as possible.
Remember, it is okay to want, and
it is okay to expect. This is not the time to play safe. Don't be conservative
in expressing your needs. They have been buried, blunted and frustrated
long enough.
Don't let your fears control you. So often we live silently under the burden of our fears rather than feeling silly admitting our vulnerabilities. If you're truly giving yourself permission to reach inside your heart and claim your experience in this relationship in particular, and in this life in general, the identify your fears. They are a part of who you are.
To stimulate your thinking, here are some examples:
The process you've just completed, of identifying your needs and fears, should affect you in more than one way. If you have really articulated all of those things that you need, and all of the fears that you need help dealing with, you should feel much closer to yourself than you did before. You may also be experiencing a certain degree of sadness or anger and frustration. By acknowledging the very important needs that you have, you cannot help but highlight in your mind and heart how much that you hold near and dear has gotten pushed to the side and ignored. Is it any wonder that your experience of this relationship has been so poor?
