Now it's time to turn to a different kind of bad spirit---the spirit of insecurity.  If you are afflicted with this one, then you are too needy.  You are so needy, in fact, that you consistently undermine your chances of success.

For you there is never enough of anything.  You cannot be satisfied.  You can never be loved enough.  You can never be attended to enough.  You can never be supported or appreciated enough.  You can never look good enough, and you can never perform well enough.  You never relax, you never enjoy and you never accept anything at face value.

You feel, in some strange way, unworthy and undeserving of happiness and incapable of achieving your greatest dreams.  You'll say to yourself that you do not have what it takes to be happy, to get results, to make progress.  You'll say you just don't have the time to get it all together.  You'll say you're just not smart enough.  What's more, you are so worried about your personal adequacy that you misinterpret the meaning of your partner's statements bout you---and your misinterpretations always result in a negative conclusion about yourself.  You say things to yourself like "My partner got mad at me, so maybe I'm too unreasonable."  Or:  "Maybe it would be better for me if I just keep quiet."  Or, "Considering what my partner says about me, I must not have much of a personality, so I should just try to get along."

More than sabotaging yourself, you are sabotaging your partner.  Because you act like a bottomless pit, your partner is frustrated by never seeming to be able to "fill you up."  He or she never gets to know what it means to have a fully functioning and peaceful relationship.  And even when you do get to a better place in your relationship, you'll say something like "This can't last."  "It's too good."  The fatalistic observation "What I fear I create" is definitely true within a relationship.

It amazes me that a lot of insecure people I meet really believe they are being meek and accommodating in their relationships, that they are full of charity to their partner, that they are doing their best to fit in and not rock the boat.  Wrong!  That is a gigantic misconception.  Because you have an insatiable appetite for reassurance and stroking, you can never give your partner any rest.  You may also be consumed by a deadly jealousy over your partner because you think it is only a matter of time until your own true failures and shortcomings are discovered and your partner will abandon you.  As a result, you'll entertain constant imagined threats from others that give you the opportunity to act jealous and demand of your partner that he or she renounce these other people in favor of you.  You need to know, over and over, that your partner is really committed to you.  Sometimes, you'll unconsciously try to drive your partner away just so you can get another dose of reassurance when one more time your partner proves his or her desire to hang in there.  Manipulative and demanding, you keep your partner dancing forever, trying to find a way for you to be at peace.

We all want reassurance from our partners.  That is perfectly healthy.  But there is also a point at which it becomes toxic, where you constantly hunger for a fix of reassurance.  There is something very wrong with your self-esteem if you incessantly fish for compliments and reassurance about your appearance, your worth and your value.

With the insecure spirit, eighty percent of all questions are statements in disguise.  What's more, those questions are demands in disguise.  If you are dominated by the insecure spirit, you also conveniently give yourself permission not to take responsibility for holding up your end of the relationship.  How could you be expected to be fully functioning, contributing, and mature partner when you're not smart enough or good enough?

Here are some other signs that the insecure spirit has taken control:

• You talk yourself out of friendships and relationships because you think the person you like is out of your league.

• You fear rejection for voicing an opinion.  You'd rather not say something than risk the disapproval of others, and when you do talk, you wonder if you're making the right impression.

• You find yourself saying "Thank you" or "I'm sorry" frequently and unnecessarily.

• You talk yourself out of trying something new with your partner, from horseback riding to counseling, because you don't want to look stupid.

• When you're complimented, you immediately downplay whatever you did that led to the compliment.

• When you buy presents for others, you worry if they are "right" or "good enough".

• You state your beliefs as questions, asking your partner what he or she feels about certain subjects that are important to you instead of declaring your position and taking a stand.

• Instead of expressing anger, you become tearful and play the victim.

• You are so sensitive and thin-skinned about any criticism that your partner cannot tease you or joke with you, and he or she sure as heck can't tell you the truth when you need to hear it.

• No matter what the question with regard to making plans, your answer is always the same:  "I don't know, I don't care.  Whatever you want to do."

If this spirit has its hooks in you, be honest with yourself and stop feeding the monster by constantly seeking the payoff of "one more fix" of reassurance.  Right now take the first step to break from your old inhibiting mind-set and free yourself.  Only then will you begin the journey of change and transformation.  Indeed, as we move forward, I am confident that you will learn other ways to meet your needs of feeling self-worth and value.