This particular bad spirit goes a step beyond competitiveness an criticism.  Here, you become self-righteous.  You turn unyieldingly rigid.  You are obsessed with control.  Everything has to be your idea, and everything has to be done your way.  No other method than yours, however sufficient it might be, is acceptable.

As a rigid controller, you are intolerant of initiative by others and expect them to be passive puppets to your ideas and wishes.  You refuse to recognize or acknowledge contributions by your partner.  You are not happy unless you are deciding what to do, how to do it, when to do it, and why it should be done.  You always feel justified in everything you do.  You cannot and will not admit that you are wrong because you are addicted to rightness.  The message to your partner is clear:  "I am better than you."

Your objective is not just to dominate, to manage your partner with condescension and intimidation, but to stake out the moral high ground.  The brutal fact is that so many of you masquerade at some elevated level of confidence and competence, artificially inflating your own ego so that you can delude yourself and your partner into believing that you are superior to everyone else.

You cannot serve two masters.  You cannot act with such self-rigteousness and overbearing control, and at the same time believe that you are pursuing what is best for the relationship.  Eventually, you will compromise and sacrifice the relationship rather than admit ownership in a problem.  I cannot imagine a more self-defeating spirit than this one, for you are putting your own ego above the welfare of the relationship.

Here are some other telltale warning signs that you can use to determine whether or not self-righteousness is the master you serve:

• You are intolerant of your partner's initiatives or ideas.

• You regularly interrupt your partner during conversations so that you can get in what you want to say instead of patiently allowing your partner to finish what he or she has to say.

• You "change the game" on those few occasions when you realize that your partner is making a good point.  You might say to your partner, for instance, "You don't have to use that tone of voice."  "There is no reason for you to look that way."  "Why do you relish trying to hurt me?"  Suddenly, you've got the subject turned back at your partner.

• You cannot end a confrontation until your partner acknowledges that you are right.

• If your partner won't admit the rightness of your position, you tend to sulk or act like a martyr, making sure your partner understands that you don't feel appreciated.

• You regularly assume a saintly, pious position with friends and family, telling them about al you have to put up with, about how your partner is impossible to live with.

• You tend to start sentences with guilt-inducing phrases like "If you love me ..." or "If you cared for me ..." or with "I told you so;  you should've listened."