This characteristic is so easy to trigger and so hard to undo.  How many times have you started out discussing an issue an ended up ripping into your partner with a personal attack?  You genuinely believe you are going to stay in control during the discussion, but then you suddenly bail out on the topic or issue and lay waste to the dignity of your partner.  And once you get going, you have trouble walking away from the confrontation.  Your attacks are totally out of proportion to the business at hand, and you will use any ammunition or any subject matter undermine the confidence and self-worth of your partner.  When you get vicious, you may not even remember or care to remember what you started out to discuss.  In the blink of an eye, the interaction becomes open warfare.  The message is clear:  "I want to hurt you."

Sometimes our viciousness is blatant and easily recognizable.  But sometimes our viciousness comes out in more subtle ways.  Sometimes, it is possible to be equally vicious by coldly introduced content.  A partner who know what buttons to push, which accusations will cut the deepest, can be cruelly vicious while never raising his or her voice.  When a partner hears viciousness in the words coming from the person who is supposed to be their greatest ally in the world, it can tear them apart.  It isn't just that they disagree;  it is a venomous communication of disgust and condemnation.

Once this spirit takes over, relating stops and the destruction starts.  These interactions can happen in a flash or grind on for hours.  If you have been subjected to this kind of spirit by a parent, partner, or "friend", the n you know how difficult it is to trust that person ever again.

Here are some other telltale warning signs that you can use to determine whether or not viciousness is poisoning your relationship:

• Your interactions are marked by, at the least, a very harsh tone of voice and often by "in-your-face" shouting.

• Your interactions are marked by such body language as a curled upper lip, a pointed finger in the face, or a deliberate Clint Eastwood type "killer stare" or exaggerated eye rolling.

• Your comments are laden with condescension, such as "Well, you really turned out to be a great catch!"

• Your comments are full of insults and name calling, from "bitch" and "bastard" to "fat" an "ugly".

• Your comments are filled with "you" statements such as:  "You make me sick."  "You disgust me."  "You are stupid and worthless."

• You purposely and pointedly attack your partner's vulnerable areas and values.

• As opposed to an act of overt commission, you withhold from your partner that which you know they want and need to have peace in their life.

• You seek to manage your partner with intimidation, both physical and mental/emotional.

Later in the book, we're going to talk in more detail about how you can give yourself a time-out from these horrible confrontations and get back in control.  But for now just remember:  your scorched earth mentality of winning through the destruction of the other person's confidence and self-worth really will create a scar that is as had to repair and overcome as almost anything else that might occur.