There is nothing wrong with legitimate criticism or input in a relationship.  There is nothing wrong when one party complains about the actions or attitudes of another - if that complaint is designed to improve the relationship.

But constructive criticism too often gives way to constant fault finding - in which you obsess over the flaws and imperfections rather than find value in your partner.  You're almost always telling your partner, in one form or another, what he or she should be doing.  When you "should" on you partner, you send the message that you not only disagree with your partner, but that your partner has violated some standard.  That is misleading.

You get used to making criticisms, and once you start it's hard to stop.  If your partner had ten things to do and did eight of them to perfection, you would spend ninety percent of your time talking about the two things that did not get done.  Living with you is like trying to fill a bottomless pit.  You are the type who will say to your partner, "We had a great day together except for when you ..."  You have no idea how sick to death your partner can get of your constant criticism.

Even if you think I am not describing you, take a brutally honest look at yourself here.  This is an attitude that can quickly overtake you.  Think back to the last time you said something critical to your partner and the last time you said something positive.  Which statement did you make with the most passion or intensity?  Spend a few seconds right now and make two lists about your partner.  In the first list, write down, as quickly as you can, five little things you like about him or her.  In the second list, write down five little things that irritate you about your partner.  If you're like most people who take this test, then you were able to come up with the five negative things far quicker than the five positive things.

Because you no doubt feel a lack of satisfaction with your own life, you attempt to "level" your partner.  Instead of building your own sense of self-worth, you shoot your partner down to your own perceived low level of functioning.  Understand that we are talking about your partner here, the person you are supposed to love and cherish.

Here are some telltale warning signs that you can use to determine whether or not critical perfectionism and a bad case of the "shoulds" dominate your relationship style:

• You seldom if ever let an infraction by your partner slide by, regardless of how trivial.

• You find yourself saying such things to your partner as, "You should have known better."  "You should have helped me out when I was stressed."  "You should have done what I wanted without me having to ask you."

• You tend to say "always" and "never" when criticizing your partner.  "You always do this".  "You never help me out in the kitchen."  "You always ignore me."  The terms "always" and "never" are judgmental and argumentative.  They also should be embarrassing to the one using them because such absolute statements are typically insupportable.

• You tend to complain about how you're not getting what you deserve or that life is unfair to you---and attitude that you quickly transfer to your partner, as if he or she is to blame.

• You counterattack with criticism whenever you're being criticized yourself.  Your partner, for instance, tells you that you forgot to take out the garbage.  Instead of hearing the message, your competitive attitude and critical spirit kicks in and you counterattack;  "I can't believe you have the nerve to say that.  You never do what you're supposed to.  I'm fifty times more reliable than you are.  You don't even lock the door at night."

• You are obsessively interested in getting your partner to admit to wrongdoing rather than listening to what your partner has to say.