YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIFESTYLE PROFILE

[CHAPTER 2]

Throughout this book I'm also going to ask you to evaluate your own lifestyle land the lifestyle you and your partner have collectively defined and created.  You must identify what it is in your lifestyle as a couple that is eliciting, maintaining, or allowing a bad relationship.

You and your partner have mutually defined your relationship.  You two have come together, consciously or otherwise, to define this relationship as it is.  You negotiated your relationship into its current condition, each of you influencing the other through your feedback and responses.  It may not have been the outcome that you consciously wanted in the negotiation - but that's where you are.  And that's where you will stay until you develop a lifestyle that creates healthier behavior.

So let's see where you are in your lifestyle.  I cannot overemphasize how important it is to accept this concept of "lifestyle accountability" in order for you to change your current relationship and enjoy a healthy, rewarding relationship in the future.  There are no exceptions.  The following questions will help you see how your own lifestyle works to hurt your relationship.  Once again, if you're not absolutely frank in your answers, you're doing yourself no good.

• Do you and your partner have serious talks?  Do you talk mostly about problems?

• Are the two of you generally pessimistic about how things in your life will work out?

• Do you feel you are dominated by your kids?  By your work?  By housework?  By financial debt?

• Do you feel out of shape?  Are you overweight?  Has your grooming or desire to look good around the house declined?

• Do you find that you have very little energy?  Do you sit for extended periods of time watching TV?  Do you find it hard to keep your eyes open after supper?  Does one of you tend to already be asleep when the other comes to bed?

• Do you go through long periods in which one or both of you are disinterested in sex, affection, or physical contact?

• Are you easily bored with one another?

• If people saw the two of you in public, would they describe you as looking or acting unhappy?

• Are you turning toward others for comfort and entertainment?

• Do the two of you drink more than you used to?  Are you doing drugs or any kind?

• Do each of you worry about the other getting the upper hand in the relationship, forcing you two to stay "on your guard" when you're together?

• Do you make sure, when you do something in support of your partner, that he or she knows it and now owes you a favor - and does your partner do the same thing to you?

• Do the two of you not know when to stop when an argument breaks out?

• Do both of you tend to make harsh remarks and personal attacks when arguing?

• Do the two of you often withdraw from one another instead of saying what is really on your minds?

• Are you no longer interested in what interests your partner - and vice versa?

• Do you think that you have behaviors or attitudes that, even though you know they are destructive, you don't wish to change for the good of the relationship?  Are there similar behaviors or attitudes in your partner?

• Even when you are your most loving toward your partner, is it hard for you to forget your negative feelings about him or her?  Do you think your partner feels the same way about you?

• Have the two of you stopped talking about your future together?  What you two might be doing at retirement?  What you dream about?