The give-up spirit is what psychologists like to call "learned helplessness."  That is the state of mind in which you believe that you are in an intractably permanent position.  You believe the circumstances you find yourself in are so unchangeable that you can do nothing about it.  It's what happens when so many of the bad spirits that I've already mentioned have crowded into your life that you cannot imagine there being any possible way out.  You become so forlorn and lonely, so emotionally isolated and disconnected, so negative and cynical, so far from your core of consciousness, that you completely shut down that part of your brain that tells you there is any hope whatsoever.  Here, you have basically decided you have no core of consciousness whatsoever.

Learned helplessness is a term coined back in the seventies by a brilliant researcher by the name of Martin E P Seligman and describes a different phenomenon than depression.  Whereas depression is largely an emotional state, learned helplessness is a mental as well as emotional state.  If you are afflicted with learned helplessness, you have come to believe so strongly that you are trapped that you lose both the willingness and the ability to learn.

When you were "inert" and "insecure", you thought about the relationship and knew there had to be a better way.  But in this condition you have stopped entertaining the notion that improvements can be made to whatever has happened between you and your partner.  You have stopped learning or gathering new information.  Most significant, because you've shut down your information processor, you are unable to see even the most obvious opportunities to rejuvenate your relationship.  You refuse to notice any change of spirit in your partner, and you refuse to notice any change of conditions or circumstances in your own life.  You're like a caged bird that no longer sings, completely unable to realize that the cage door is once again open.

Here are some observable indications that you can use to determine whether or not learned helplessness has consumed you:

• You have consciously accepted a dull pain as a way of life.

• You feel a regular sense of malaise or lack of energy.

• You have surrendered to the reality of just "going through the motions" in a motionless relationship.

• You often think or say, "What's the use?  It will never change."

• You no longer even bother to protest when attacked or abused by your partner.

• You think it's pointless to try to change because it will only make the other partner get angry.

• You feel lonely.

• You have begun to turn to other people or activities in search of fulfillment.

• You express disappointment in the relationship covertly, constantly becoming "ill", for instance, and having to spend days in bed, or even turning to prescription pills or alcohol or twice-a-week sessions with therapists.

I want you, right now, to listen to me:  you're killing your spirit.  People do change, and so can you and so can your partner.  In this book you are going to be given the tools to reconnect, to engage in productive measures, to rely on ideas that work---and to rebuild your best kind of spirit, that spirit that lets you believe in yourself and in your partner.

I have seen many, many relationships come back from the grave simply because one or both partners made the initial decision to change attitudes and feel hope.  As I said in the introduction, all you have to do is want to want the relationship to work.  Otherwise, the inert spirit and the learned helplessness that defines it will eventually devastate your life.

I recognize this has been a very tough chapter to read.  It has focused almost entirely on the dark side of living and how we can rip apart our relationships.  But the bigger danger comes when we don't acknowledge that dark sid.  Then we will never be alert to its arrival;  we will not be ready to cast it out.

At this point you're ready to move forward, to proclaim, "No, I will not do this anymore.  I will not let my competitiveness cause me to drive a wedge between me and my partner.  I will not let my self-righteous attitude control me.  I will not give in to my tendency to be dishonest and hide what I really think and feel.  I will not become vicious and alienate my partner.  I will not lose my self-esteem, and I will not be helpless."

The best part of your personality and your emotional life perhaps has atrophied somewhat, but it can be reconditioned.  You do have the power to change.  You may not always think of yourself as a leader, and you may not particularly feel like a leader in this relationship, but you are now.  Because you now possess some powerful knowledge, and because you are in the process of gaining even more powerful knowledge, you have an opportunity to provide important direction in this relationship.  Don't you dare cheat yourself out of the chance.  You've come this far, now let's go do it.