So many people are terrified of volatility because they think arguing is a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. If arguing is done in accordance with some very simple rules of engagement, it can actually help the quality and longevity of the relationship in a number of ways. For some couples, such fighting provides a much needed release of tension. For others, it brings about a certain peace and trust because they know they can release their thoughts and feelings without being abandoned or rejected or humiliated.

Is it really natural for a couple always to be marvelously thoughtful of each other, never disagree, show little impatience and rarely get peeved? Is it really natural to avoid getting nose-to-nose on occasion with the one you love the most?

Don't worry about how many times you argue: that's not the determining factor in your relationship stability and quality. Instead, it is determined by the nature of the way you argue, and by how you deal with the argument once it has run its course.

If, for example, you are the type of combatant in a relationship who quickly abandons issues of disagreement and instead attacks the worth of the person with whom you are arguing, you are being a destructive force in your relationship. If you are the type who gets into arguments with your partner because the arguments are, in effect, more stimulating that the day-to-day life of being together, you are being equally destructive. And if your rage and impulses are so unchecked that you pursue a scorched-earth, then you are taking on the quality of viciousness, which is an absolute killer in a relationship.

Similarly, if you are the type of combatant who never achieves emotional closure at the end of an argument and instead "gunny sacks" your emotions, only to have them come bubbling out later, this is equally destructive. You must get emotional closure at the end of your arguments; otherwise, you are very likely to react in some cumulative fashion the next time there is a confrontation and create a huge disruption in the relationship.

Don't confuse cumulative reaction with overreaction. Overreaction refers to a disproportionate reaction to an isolated event. Cumulative reaction, while just as explosive, is actually the exact opposite of overreaction. Cumulative reaction occurs when you have failed to get closure in prior confrontations, related or unrelated, because you denied yourself the right to participate healthfully in a confrontation with your partner.

We will have a detailed discussion about hot to fight and argue without being destructive, and how to keep from making it a personal attach (or taking it as a personal attack) in later chapters. You must also learn how to properly put your relationship back together after a confrontation and how to let your partner off the hook rather than browbeating them into submission. Similarly, you will need to learn how to make your escape with your ego and feelings intact if you are the one that was wrong, or are the object of dogmatic browbeating by your partner.

With "emotional closure" I do not mean that you solve the problem. I mean that you get your mind and heart in balance and allow your partner to do the same. That will never happen if you buy into the next myth.